Saturday, 7 July 2012

I could be a Tram Driver!

2nd July 2012
Application Letter to Edinburgh Trams

Dear Sir/Madam,

I recently noticed on your website that Edinburgh Trams may soon be recruiting new staff, and would like some additional information about the positions available. Although admittedly I have no direct experience of working with tram systems per se, I have travelled on the Birmingham Air Link, a single back-and-forward line, which at a total length of 585 metres, bears many similarities to the proposed Edinburgh Tram 'network'.

I hope my lack of any knowledge of tram systems will not be considered against me, as what I lack in experience, I make up for in raw enthusiasm, something I believe this project had been lacking to date. I take some reassurance from the fact that Edinburgh Trams do not have a history of discriminating against employees who apparently have no relevant experience whatsoever.

In additional support of my application, I can confirm that I have driven a car in Edinburgh for many years (until the city centre became unnavigable), utilising both forward and stop controls. My car also has steering, although these skills would obviously be surplus to requirement on the single tram line.

I would, of course, expect competitive remuneration for any position considered. Being associated with Edinburgh Trams is something of a poisoned chalice, and it will take a certain set of skills and strength of character to deal with the public backlash, as well as the general contempt from family and friends on a day to day basis. Remember, if you pay peanuts, you get monkeys! (Although as you will already be painfully aware, even when you pay £100,000 salaries, there's no guarantees)

In addition to the salary scale available for the vacant positions, I am particularly interested in any severance arrangements that form part of the package. If I were to be found incompetent or unsuitable for the job, would I be entitled to a similar severance package as the former members of the TIE board? (circa £100,000+) or would this be allocated on a pro-rata basis?

Finally, although I am keen to get behind the wheel, erm, lever / button, whatever, of a tram as soon as possible, can you confirm whether the starting date is likely to be in the next decade? Should the entire project inevitably be cancelled before I take up employment, will I still be entitled to attend a long series of mediation talks at a luxury spa hotel on full expenses before the plug is finally pulled?

I look forward to hearing more about the various positions you have available,

Yours sincerely,

Aldo Broon
Potential Tram Driver of the FUTURE!

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Thanks for your comment! I hope you continue to enjoy following Aldo's Quest to get himself on the Edinburgh Gravy-Tram!