Updated Application and some AWESOME ideas for the service!
You may recall I contacted you last week enquiring about the job vacancies with Edinburgh Trams.
I have not yet received any reply or acknowledgement to my enquiry. I am sure I do not need to tell you, a fully qualified and professional manager of Human Resources, that if we want our claims that Edinburgh Trams are indeed 'World Class' to be taken seriously, you are going to have to respond to your emails in a timely and efficient manner.
Not to worry though, as I have now found out about the positions available via the pages of the Edinburgh Evening News. Apparently I am in good company, as Steve Cardownie, deputy leader of Edinburgh City Council recently claimed the article in the Evening News was the first he'd heard of the Trams recruitment drive as well!
Having examined the job details in the Evening News, I must say I was quite surprised to read that tram drivers are only to be paid (up to) a £25,000 salary. I know they only have to master STOP and GO buttons, but we should remember these guys will be tasked with actually making a tram travel from A to B, something many 'Executive' staff on salaries five times that have singularly failed to do for the past 5 years, before being dismissed.
It is with regret therefore that I must ask you to cancel my application to be a tram driver, as I would now like to be considered for the role of TRAM GENERAL MANAGER, it being the case that it attracts the rather more attractive salary of £70 - £80,000 per annum.
I feel my lifestyle and personal financial outgoings are more suited to such a role, although I would like the opportunity of getting to drive a tram on occasion. Would this be possible as General Manager? Perhaps I could sometimes drive a less important tram such as one filled with pensioners or something? I could wear a disguise if required.
In support of my application for this role, I would like to tell you about some awesome ideas I have had for the tram system. I would implement these straight away, although please be aware that I have not had time to think them through properly yet, so some minor tweaks may be required.
AWESOME IDEA NUMBER 1
My first idea is that we should name some components of the line in honour of those who are responsible for it. One of the key people in development of the project is of course the aforementioned Steve Cardownie, SNP leader and deputy leader of Edinburgh City Council. As you may recall, for many years Mr Cardownie was a vocal critic of the trams, even stating his (and the SNP) position was to cancel the entire project as soon as possible.
How surprised were the electorate late last year when Mr Cardownie then became the saviour of the entire project by voting AGAINST scrapping the trams when the time came!
Prior to the recent election I had thought we should therefore name the airport stop 'THE STEVE CARDOWNIE END OF THE LINE' but as you know, since then he has unbelieveably been re-elected (albeit on the 8th redistribution of ballots) so I think I now prefer the idea of renaming the York place tram turning circle 'THE STEVE CARDOWNIE TRAM U-TURN' in lasting memorial of his heroic actions (and betrayal of those who voted for him).
AWESOME IDEA NUMBER 2
Fancy dress trams. I already mentioned wearing a disguise while driving a tram, but why stop there? Why not dress up the entire tram on a variety of different themes?
This has been proven to work very well in Blackpool where they have a selection of different illuminated trams.
Ideas for our themes could be -
i) THE SPACE SHIP TRAM, looks like an Apollo 11 space rocket on its side, all crew would wear space suits, and pretend to float around. Special freeze-dried 'space food' snacks could be sold on board. We can get these from the shop at Dynamic Earth, they sell freeze dried strawberries and Neapolitan Ice Cream there.
ii) THE CHRISTMAS TRAM, looks like a Santa's sleigh, all crew dressed as elves, driver is dressed as Santa obviously. Christmas tree on board, and on board sound system could play festive tunes.
iii) THE ORIGINAL EDINBURGH TRAM, looks like one of the old Edinburgh trams we abandoned in 1956 when it was realised Edinburgh didn't actually need trams after all, all crew dressed as Dickensian characters, fare could be 1 penny.
iv) THE HUNGRY CATERPILLAR TRAM - family themed tram for kids, looks like a huge green caterpillar, perhaps with free sweets and everyone gets a toy instead of a ticket. McDonalds or Burger King might be interested in sponsoring this one?
v) THE (PARTY) NIGHT TRAM - a tram made up to look like a giant beer bottle on it's side. With a bar on board, the driver could also perform DJ duties, with the addition of a dual turntable in the cab. Conductor to serve cocktails to passengers. We could ramp the price right up on this one, making the tram a DESTINATION rather than just a mode of transport. Would be very attractive to stag and hen parties. Contact Heineken to see if they are interested in a sponsorship deal.
Those are just a few of my ideas so far. With 26 trams, the possibilities are almost endless, and people could ride a different themed tram every day for a month! This will increase passenger numbers dramatically as we challenge passengers to 'RIDE THEM ALL!', perhaps stamping a loyalty card each trip?
What Edinburgh needs is trams.
What Edinburgh Trams needs is someone like me who can 'Think outside the box'.
I'm so far outside the box, Marie, I can't even see the box from here!
Rest assured I have got a bunch of other great ideas even better than those above, and look forward to discussing them with you all at interview.
Tram General Manager OF THE FUTURE!