Coming to terms with Rejection, and Idea Piracy

24th August 2012

Dear Marie,

Firstly I must offer my apologies for not being in touch for the last week or so. I have been waiting on tenterhooks for my invitation to interview at Edinburgh Trams to drop through the letterbox. As you apparently were aware all along, this invitation would NOT BE FORTHCOMING.

As stated in the application form, final interviews for the position of TRAM GENERAL MANAGER were to be held this week, with a decision being made shortly afterwards. It is with great sorrow therefore that I have now concluded that my application must have been unsuccessful on this occasion.

I console myself with the thought that you must have identified an individual with even more AWESOME IDEAS than myself, perhaps someone even more dedicated to Edinburgh Trams than I?

So you can imagine my ASTONISHMENT today Marie, when I read in THE EDINBURGH EVENING NEWS that Edinburgh Trams is to offer tram trips round the tram depot to members of the public! You will undoubtedly recall, that this was MY IDEA, communicated to you in my email of 24^th July 2012 – ‘The Edinburgh Festival Tram Experience Mindmap’.  I was under the impression that these ideas would be held IN CONFIDENCE Marie, and today I see Transport Convener Lesley Hinds beaming from the centre pages of the Evening News, passing MY AWESOME IDEA off as one of her own! I would not be surprised if she is taking the cushy £80K EDINBURGH TRAM GENERAL MANAGER job for herself too!

As a long-term supporter of Edinburgh Trams, I am of course happy for my suggestions to be taken ON BOARD, but I do expect some sort of recognition for my contribution, Marie.

While it appears that I have been unsuccessful  in my application for the TRAM GENERAL MANAGER role, for whatever reason, I would like to reassure you that I wish to continue my quest to get ON BOARD the Edinburgh gravy-tram, and secure some sort of employment with EDINBURGH TRAMS in the future.  Perhaps as a consultant or some type of visionary?

In order to reassure you that I bear no ill feelings, I have come up with another GREAT IDEA which Ms Hinds will no doubt pilfer in due course. The aforementioned EVENING NEWS had an article the other day about some guy who had discovered an old horse-drawn Edinburgh tram being used as a garden shed in an allotment, and had restored it to its original condition. By incredible serendipity, the gauge of this old 1885 tram is apparently identical to our new TRAMS OF THE FUTURE! The gentleman in question has expressed the wish that his horse-drawn tram could be operated on Edinburgh’s Princes Street.

I think we should seriously consider this proposal, Marie. I personally would be willing to drive this horse-drawn tram up and down Princes Street (I already have the hat), and I believe it would be a massive attraction for tourists - even better than Edinburgh Council's abandoned ‘Giant Ferris Wheel Down a Hole’ idea.

We could charge at least £10 a trip, and run the tram back and forward along the tracks already laid on Princes Street. This would both generate revenue, and get the general public used to trams running in our city. As the lines are expected to lie unused for at least the next couple of years, we could run this revenue-generating horse-drawn tram service back and forward along Princes Street until such time that the new trams are ready to run!

How long do horses live, do you know?

In case you are having difficulty visualising this idea, I have prepared an artist’s impression of how I think it might look.

I look forward to seeing Lesley Hinds in next week’s Evening News passing this idea off as her own.

Keep in Touch,

Aldo Broon

Advisor, Visionary and supplier of AWESOME IDEAS for Edinburgh Trams RIGHT NOW

ON THE FAST TRACK!

8th August 2012

Dear Marie,

I must admit I am quite surprised not to have heard from you over the past few days. You may recall that you promised that Edinburgh Trams would be in touch with candidates for the TRAM GENERAL MANAGER position, to advise them whether they have been selected for the next stage in the process (online ability and psychometric tests), by last Friday (3rd August).

To date I have still heard ABSOLUTELY NOTHING from you regarding where I can access these tests. At first I was somewhat concerned that you might have slipped behind your published recruitment schedule, let's face it, that wouldn't exactly be unknown for Edinburgh Trams. I must admit I had a bit of a panic attack when I thought that maybe the entire recruitment process had been halted due to the recent public outcry regarding the appointment of several more people to the Edinburgh GRAVY-TRAM with nothing for them to do for at least two years. I could almost see that £80K SALARY slipping through my fingers, Marie!

Luckily I soon came to my senses, and realised the obvious reason - the other candidates have probably not been quite so efficient in demonstrating their skills and abilities via email as myself, and you have obviously decided to FAST-TRACK my application straight to the next stage (interview).

Of course this is quite acceptable, but I suggest you probably should tell candidates when they have been selected for a fast-track recruitment process like this, to put their minds at rest. Transport Convener Lesley Hinds was telling me just yesterday that one of her main aims is to improve communication regarding Edinburgh Trams, and I think it's time for you to embrace that sentiment too, Marie.

However, I am happy to confirm that I will be available for the face-to-face panel interview commencing 13th August. Would you like me to prepare a presentation?

Actually, I have started my presentation already, Marie. It is entitled "SELLING EDINBURGH TRAMS". Don't worry, I'm not referring to the inevitable selling of the entire tram line to someone like FirstGroup for a nominal £1 in about 2020! No, my presentation is about SELLING the IDEA of EDINBURGH TRAMS to a cynical public, after many years of pointless disruption to their lives and businesses.

To SELL the IDEA of EDINBURGH TRAMS making a WORTHY CONTRIBUTION to the city, we need to make full use of the popular public profiles of some of the key players in the development of our Tram line. Seeing these popular characters endorsing the line is sure to bring the public back ONBOARD. I suggest we select some UPBEAT phrases praising the trams, and feature these as part of the tram livery. We could associate these POSITIVE phrases with respected well-known local characters.

As you have probably guessed by now, I have put together some artists impressions to give you an idea of the sort of thing I mean. I'll bring a camera along to the interview and hopefully take some better photos we can use. With 27 trams, we can probably feature most of the Edinburgh Trams employees or tram advocates somewhere on a tram.

As an extension of this idea, I was also thinking we could perhaps offer members of the public the chance to have their (or their loved ones) faces featured on an Edinburgh Tram? What significant-other could fail to be impressed by the unique Anniversary gift that says it all - their face on the back end of a tram?

As well as being a sure-fire revenue earner, this would help reinforce the idea that we are IN TOUCH with the man on the street. We are LISTENING, and LESSONS have surely been LEARNT.

I've got some more exciting ideas for my presentation too, but I'm not sure if we will have time to include them. If you could let me know where the interviews are going to be held, and whether there is equestrian access, that would be of great use and would be much appreciated.

Yours

Aldo Broon
TRAM GENERAL MANAGER of the FUTURE!

Slogans, that's what we need.

 31/07/2012

Dear Marie,

It has come to my attention that I may have inadvertently sent you an email while I was visiting Amsterdam last week. Unfortunately I sent this from an internet cafe, and have little recollection of the contents. I vaguely remember something about deserting a sinking ship, but apart from that, my memory is somewhat hazy. I think if I sent you any new ideas while away, it might be best if we just forgot about those, and disregard that email. I hope this will not jeopardise my chances for the TRAM GENERAL MANAGER job?

On my return from Amsterdam I passed through Edinburgh Airport. I noticed the excellent new 'WORTH WAITING FOR - Edinburgh Trams' sign we have erected there. This was a fantastic idea, sure to bring both visitors and residents of Edinburgh 'on-side' with the project, despite the eternal disruption and impact on their holidays/livelihoods for the past half decade. There is NO WAY that this sign was a bad idea, and the person responsible should DEFINITELY be commended for being so in-tune with public opinion.

However, something was niggling at the back of my mind as I made my way home on the bus, Marie. I was sure I'd heard the 'Worth Waiting For' slogan before. Was it Heinz Tomato Ketchup? (No, that one was 'Good things come to those who wait', which might be pushing credibility a bit too far for Edinburgh Trams).

I racked my brains for 2 hours as my bus crawled its way along York Place Marie, but eventually I had it! It was Carlsberg's late-1980s advert "Ice Cold in Alex - Worth waiting for!" It did occur to me that this product association is perhaps a dangerous one for us to make, as there is always the danger some wag might suggest a better link could have been 'Edinburgh Trams - They'll drive us all to drink'.

Nevertheless, the whole idea of using successful advertising slogans to popularise the Edinburgh Trams got me thinking. What other successful advertising campaigns could we perhaps 'pay homage to' in our publicity?

I've put together an illustration of some of the slogans I think might be suitable for Edinburgh Trams, obviously I've had to change some of them to fit, but you will get the idea. Hopefully we can piggy-back on some of these slogans and some of their popularity might rub off on Edinburgh Trams?

Of course we shouldn't limit ourselves to billboards and posters, as we approach the launch date, I envisage a barrage of television advertising as well. I'm thinking for that perhaps we could have a short advertisement showing the planning, build and implementation of the Edinburgh Trams project over the years.

I suggest we get the PG Tips monkeys to play the parts of Edinburgh Councillors and members of the TIE board, and then jump to the modern day with the Cadbury Gorilla driving a tram down Princes Street playing the drums.

I am fully prepared to dress up in the Gorilla suit, Marie. How many of the other candidates for the TRAM GENERAL MANAGER job would be willing to do that? I think this is one of the questions you should pose to the other candidates at interview.

Something like that is going to have the sort of VISUAL IMPACT we need, Marie. And EVERYONE loves monkeys - it will distract our critics - "Hey! Look at the funny monkeys! Look at the funny monkeys!".

Trust me, works every time.

I look forward to discussing these ideas further at interview.

Aldo Broon
Tram General Manager, and willing Gorilla Impersonator of the FUTURE

A FACT FINDING Trip

26/07/2012

Hallo Marie, mijn goh dit openbaar vervoer systeem is inderdaad wereldklasse!

Don't worry Marie, my teeth haven't fallen out, I am in fact writing to you in the foreign language of, erm, HOLLANDaise from an internet cafe in the beautiful city of Amsterdam, or TRAMsterdam, as it perhaps should be called, as in my opinion it has one of the best and truly WORLD CLASS TRAM systems I have ever seen!

I have popped over for a few days on a FACT FINDING MISSION, in preparation for my forthcoming interview for the position of TRAMS GENERAL MANAGER. (Don't worry, I've kept  all my receipts and will submit a full expenses claim once I'm back!)

I must say Marie, I am very impressed with the set up here. Although they don't have trams at the airport, they have a train system which goes from RIGHT INSIDE THE AIRPORT to the central train station, then, right outside the station are a whole selection of tram stops! You won't find our European cousins dragging their suitcases along half a mile of 'covered walkways' in a force 10 gale to reach their public transport!

Then, what they've done Marie, is they've got DIFFERENT trams going on DIFFERENT lines in DIFFERENT directions! It's crazy but makes some sort of weird sense! You get on the tram that goes in the direction you want to go - thus they seem to have avoided the thorny issue of having 26 identical trams all stuck one behind the other on the same single route. See, it's the twist that makes it clever.

There's a lot we could learn from these guys Marie, there's a whole lot more FACT FINDING I could do here, and I will probably make it a regular destination once I get the job.

Yesterday I visited Amsterdam Museum. I went there on a tram. In the museum I learnt that Amsterdam has long suffered from a chronic affordable accommodation shortage, I was very interested to hear about this, as I know the problems we have in Edinburgh during the festival months.

One of the ways they have solved this problem is to create ‘House Boats’, these are boats which have been permanently moored at the sides of the canals, providing an attractive and affordable  accommodation opportunities, right in the very centre of this beautiful city.

That got me thinking, Edinburgh is a similar sized city, with similar accommodation problems, and it occurred to me that with 26 trams, we are likely to have a large number of vehicles surplus to requirements, considering the repeated reductions in the length of the final line.

I know Edinburgh Trams have already investigated the possibility of ‘leasing’ these spare trams to other cities, unfortunately without any success. Once again however, I am able to bring a fresh pair of eyes to the problem, and ‘THINK OUTSIDE THE TRAM DEPOT’ as it were.

I had a good think about this over a coffee, and the longer I sat there in that coffee shop, the clearer my mind became, eventually I had what I can only describe as some sort of epiphany Marie, a EUROPEAN STYLE TRAM VISION if you like – where Amsterdam have the HOUSE BOAT, Edinburgh can go one better! I would like to propose...

THE EDINBURGH TRAM BOAT!

Think about it Marie, each tram is allegedly capable of accommodating 332 people. With at least 20 surplus trams,  and the addition of a few hammock beds slung between the handrails, we could float these trams in the Union canal and thus accommodate 6640 additional visitors, right in the very centre of the city!

WORLD CLASS ACCOMMODATION, at extremely competitive prices, while guaranteeing us a rapid RETURN ON INVESTMENT for all these redundant vehicles!

I have produced an artists impression to explain what I think ‘The Edinburgh Tram Accommodation Service’ might look like, please excuse the fact this is not up to my usual high standard, but they only have rubbish Microsoft Paint on these computers.

I'd better sign off now Marie, I've suddenly noticed I'm incredibly hungry for an iced doughnut.

I'll be back in touch on my return.

Goede zegeningen!

Aldo Broon
Tramweg groot baas van de TOEKOMST!

The Edinburgh Festival Tram Experience Mindmap

 

24/07/2012

Dear Marie,  I trust this email finds you in your usual good spirits?

Unfortunately Marie, I am currently in the most foul of spirits,  it being the case that I caught sight of the front page of that poor excuse for a chip wrapper, the Edinburgh Evening News, last Friday.

I have been fuming about it all weekend - they are purposely ridiculing our Edinburgh Trams.

In case you didn't see it, they printed an image of an Edinburgh tram travelling along Princes Street filled with fictional characters from the children's TV programme 'The Magic Roundabout'.  I knew immediately that there was some sort of photo manipulation trickery involved,  as even the most powerful magic won't get a tram running through the streets of Edinburgh anytime soon.

If that wasn't insult enough,  inside they mentioned that we are recruiting 11 tram drivers "FOUR OF WHICH HAVE ALREADY BEEN RECRUITED". 

What's going on Marie? As the Tram General Manager OF THE FUTURE,  surely I should have been made aware of these appointments? I am not prepared to be the sort of General Manager who, in the manner of Councillor Steve Cardownie, is constantly caught on the back foot and having to give hollow responses about being 'totally shocked and stunned' all the time. This project needs someone who is hands-on.

What's more,  I have already made a lot of promises to friends and family about the possibility of jobs on the trams once I have been appointed,  and I am somewhat concerned that someone else may be trying to grab all the peachy jobs for their mates before I have even started.

Please do not recruit any more people onto the project until I get there and have time to sort everything out,  thank you.

On similar subject, I am quite concerned about all the negative publicity we have been receiving lately. If it is indeed the case that we need to constantly run our 26 trams in circles round the depot to stop them from seizing up, then we should be engaging the public with some POSITIVE SPIN on these press releases.

Doesn't Edinburgh Trams employ a public relations company Marie? If we do, then it seems to me they are not doing a very good job, and one of my first actions as TRAM GENERAL MANAGER will be to replace them with someone more competent.

There's a well-known PR phrase 'you can't polish a turd', but that doesn't mean we should give up on our public image entirely.

For example, as TRAM GENERAL MANAGER I would invite the paying public to come and watch the spectacle of the trams going round in circles. During the festival especially, we could charge tourists £5 admission just to watch that. Last year I went to see Paul Daniels during the festival. He's not been on the telly since 1986, and his show was still SOLD OUT, Marie! If people will pay good money to see Paul Daniels in a theatre, just think how much they would pay to see his show ONBOARD A TRAM? I'm pretty sure he would be up for this, if you want me to ask him, just let me know.

Some might consider watching trams going round in circles, and on board celebrity Magic shows a bit tame, but we can also entertain the more adventurous with my awesome idea for TRAM JOUSTING. A couple of people could sit on top of trams (which would go in opposite directions round the test tracks), each contestant would wear an inflatable Sumo Wrestler outfit for health and safety reasons (I know a guy that rents these out by the day), and would wield a 'jousting pole' which could be fashioned from one of the unused tram poles we were going to put down Leith Walk before that all got abandoned. As the trams pass each other at speed, the contestants could attempt to 'joust' each other off the tram. I reckon a lot of people would be up for this, particularly if we offered a small prize, and a competitor charge of £20 a head would not be unreasonable. We'd also get lots of spectators for a exciting spectacle like that.

I know these are a lot of ideas to take in Marie, and to be honest, I've not thought them all through properly yet, but I've produced a MIND MAP diagram to help you visualise the sort of things I am thinking of for my EDINBURGH FESTIVAL TRAMS EXPERIENCE. I think something like this would help repair some of the public relations damage caused by the disruption this project has inflicted on the people of Edinburgh to date, and would help bring both tourists and Edinburgh Council Tax payers back ON BOARD the Tram Project.

Edinburgh Needs Trams.

Edinburgh Festival needs THE EDINBURGH TRAMS EXPERIENCE.

THE EDINBURGH TRAMS EXPERIENCE needs a visionary like me.

I look forward to discussing these ideas further at interview.

Aldo Broon
Tram Visionary, Public Relations Consultant and General Manager OF THE FUTURE

O.M.G. IT'S ARRIVED!!!!

18/07/2012

O.M.G. IT'S ARRIVED!!!!

Hi Marie,

As you can probably tell I am extremely excited today, hence my use of a disproportionate number of exclamation marks!!!

After an interminable wait, it has finally arrived!

I had originally planned for this to be a surprise when I wore it to interview - it was to be my 'secret weapon' to show that unlike other candidates, I am always thinking A HEAD, and thus the job would be in the bag, but now it's arrived, I am just too excited not to show you my new EDINBURGH TRAMS GENERAL MANAGER HAT!

Isn't it AWESOME?

I ordered it from some guy on Ebay who specialises in hats and uniforms!

He's in the United States, but I told him I could probably use him to provide all the Edinburgh Trams uniforms and head wear.

Once he'd done a bit of Googling, he said he would be DELIGHTED to enter into a water-tight contract, drawn up by our Edinburgh Trams contract experts, along similar lines to the contracts we have with the existing suppliers. He was so happy, he was sort of chuckling while he said it.

Now, you might be worried that an Ebay seller might not produce the WORLD CLASS quality which the 'Edinburgh Trams' brand deserves, but you don't have to worry about that, Marie. This guy told me he used to make hats for Colonel Muammar Gaddafi, President Saddam Hussein, and Supreme Leader Kim Jong-il (among others). Apparently the bottom has recently fallen out of the ruthless dictator fashion accessory market, which means he now has spare capacity and is able to supply items to Edinburgh Trams at VERY REASONABLE PRICES!

We're already seriously behind schedule Marie, as you know, so I'd like to strike while the iron is hot and go ahead and order these hats. I can claim the expenses back when I start work.

The Ebay seller says he can do these hats at £25 each. Plus £30 for a special one with gold braid for the TRAM GENERAL MANAGER. He says he can get that gold braid off an old pair of curtains his mother has stored in an old chest in the garage.

I reckon we'll need one for each driver and conductor, and with 26 trams that's 52 hats.

Estimated costings are therefore:

52 standard hats @ £25 = £1300
1 special hat @ £30 = £ 30
Fact-finding trip to Las Vegas, Nevada to check the production facilities = £ 800
7 nights accommodation in the Bellagio Hotel, Las Vegas to discuss order = £6500
Hire of Meeting room at Bellagio Hotel = £2000
Tea and biscuits (standard Edinburgh Council Requirement)= £ 700
Miscellaneous Expenses = £1200
Postage = £ 200
Import Duty = £ 800
Insurance = £ 100
Headed Notepaper to place order = £ 150
Apple iPad for Ebay access = £ 500

Total: = £14,280

I am sure that you will agree that this constitutes very good value, being only about one thousandth of one percent of the overall tram budget. It's practically negligible, so I'll just get on with that.

In the meantime, please don't tell the interview panel about my great hat idea, as I still want it to be a surprise when I attend the interview ready to start work straight away!

Best Wishes,

Aldo Broon
Tram General Manager, Procurement Specialist and Visionary OF THE FUTURE

Trambles is now on Twitter, just like Edinburgh Trams!

Thanks for all the kind messages from people supporting my application for the role of TRAM GENERAL MANAGER! I'll keep you updated with the progress of my application.

Rest assured, I've got plenty more AWESOME IDEAS for creating a WORLD CLASS Edinburgh Tram System.

Particular thanks for the following mentions:

http://www.edinburghtramfacts.com who deliver a clear message to Edinburgh Trams; "A candidate like Mr Broom [sic] appears as a refreshing change .... His brand of hard headed, pragmatic lunacy may be what we need at this time."


and

http://www.edinburghsucks.com who accurately describe me as "Highly qualified Aldo Broon, the city's self-proclaimed TRAM VISIONARY of the FUTURE"

For those who have little better to do, you can now get notifications of updates in my quest to get myself onto Edinburgh's £1 BILLION gravy-tram via Twitter:

Follow @edtrambles